Can You Change Your Attachment Style? What Attachment-Based Therapy Can Do

By Clay Klaus-Wade ·

The short answer

Yes, attachment patterns can change. They tend to be sturdy, because they formed for good reasons, but they aren't a life sentence. Many people become more secure over time, often through the slow, repeated experience of a relationship that feels different from the ones that shaped them, and therapy can be one of those relationships.

Attachment styles have become a popular shorthand online, and I understand why: they give us language for patterns that can otherwise feel baffling. But the real theory is richer and gentler than a quiz result, and it's worth understanding where it comes from.

Where attachment theory comes from

Attachment theory began with the British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who argued that children have a deep, biologically rooted need to stay close to the people who care for them. His colleague Mary Ainsworth later studied how infants responded when separated from and reunited with a caregiver, and identified a handful of patterns: secure attachment, two kinds of insecure attachment (often called avoidant and anxious or ambivalent), and later a disorganized pattern (Sharma & Spiro, StatPearls).

The central idea is simple and, I think, profound. When the people we depend on are reliably there for us, we learn that our needs are welcome and that the world is basically safe to explore. When they aren't, we adapt. We might learn to need less, so we can't be disappointed. Or we might learn to stay on high alert, so we don't miss the moment someone pulls away.

How attachment shows up in adult relationships

In 1987, psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver proposed that adult romantic relationships follow many of the same patterns (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). In their study, a little more than half of participants described themselves in ways consistent with secure attachment, while the rest leaned avoidant or anxious. Notably, the authors cautioned against treating early experience as destiny; the connections they found were real but not overwhelming.

In everyday life, attachment patterns might look like:

  • Anxious patterns: worrying that a partner will leave, needing frequent reassurance, reading a delayed text as a sign that something's wrong
  • Avoidant patterns: valuing independence to the point of keeping people at arm's length, feeling crowded by closeness, shutting down during conflict
  • Disorganized patterns: wanting closeness and fearing it at the same time, so relationships feel both necessary and dangerous
  • Secure patterns: being able to ask for what you need, trusting that conflict can be repaired, and tolerating both closeness and distance

Most of us aren't purely one thing. Our patterns can shift depending on the relationship, the stress we're under, and what's happening in our lives.

Can you really become more secure?

The research here is genuinely hopeful, with a few important nuances. Researchers have long been interested in what's called earned security: adults who had difficult early experiences but are now able to talk about them with coherence and perspective. A 2002 study by Glenn Roisman and colleagues found that this kind of change is real, but also that people's memories of their childhoods don't always match what happened, so the clearest evidence comes from following people over time rather than asking them to look back (Roisman et al., 2002).

Therapy research points in the same direction. A 2018 meta-analysis of 36 studies found that people who start therapy feeling more secure tend to have better outcomes, and that growth in security during treatment may go hand in hand with improvement (Levy et al., 2018). The same study offered early evidence that people who feel less secure may especially benefit from therapy that focuses on relationships and the way we connect with others.

What attachment-based therapy looks like

Attachment-informed therapy pays close attention to relationships, including the one with your therapist. If you tend to brace for rejection, apologize for having needs, or disappear when things get close, those patterns will probably show up in the room at some point. That's not a problem. It's an opportunity to notice them as they happen, understand where they came from, and try something different with someone who isn't going anywhere.

Over time, many people find that the steadiness of the therapy relationship becomes something they can carry with them: a felt sense that needs can be spoken, that ruptures can be repaired, and that being known doesn't have to mean being left.

Attachment-based therapy at Layered Health

Layered Health is a Philadelphia-based psychotherapy practice opening in Summer 2027. My work is psychodynamic and attachment-informed, which means I'm always curious about the relationships that shaped you and the ones you're living in now.

If you're looking for an attachment-focused therapist in Philadelphia, I'd love to hear from you.

Contact me

Frequently asked questions

Can you change your attachment style?

Yes. Attachment patterns are sturdy, but research shows people can become more secure over time, often through relationships that feel different from the ones that shaped them, including the relationship with a therapist.

What is earned secure attachment?

Earned security describes adults who had difficult or insecure early experiences but have become secure over time. Research suggests the clearest evidence for it comes from following people across their lives.

What are the main attachment styles?

The main patterns are usually described as secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Most people don't fit neatly into one category, and patterns can shift across relationships and life circumstances.

How does attachment show up in adult relationships?

Attachment patterns shape how we handle closeness, conflict, and distance. Anxious patterns can look like needing reassurance, avoidant patterns like pulling away, and secure patterns like trusting that conflict can be repaired.

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